Football games ...

I never went to high school and have only been to one football game in my life. My daughter is in band and wants me to be at her games. I have stood by for years for the protection of my children and missed so many important functions that I would have never missed had I not been forced out when a strong hold was taken over children. My sister has threatened not to allow my daughter to attend her own games where she is a leading member of the marching band. In the past I would have stayed away so make sure my children did not lose these privileges that my sister has turned them into. I am angry that my children are manipulated this way. I won't stay away from anymore games because if my child wants me there then I should be there for her.

I want my girls back in defense training karate classes that were stopped when my daughters were removed by the State of Florida.

Update: As of Mon, 2-4-08 Judge Rex Barbas has ordered that I NOT PARENT my children. I am not sure what this means. How does a woman who has devoted 16 years of her life to being the best mother she could suddenly stop doing a job she has dedicated the rest of her life to? This was ordered due to latest developments posted (here). I did get *permission to attend public functions such as ball games, but am not allowed to attend any *Parent Teacher Conferences. I don't need to attend parent teacher conferences because my children already know what I expect of them and are doing excellent in school. All I can do is make sure the girls know what I expect of them.

Irony perhaps that these girls need a parent and I'm the only one they have but am not allowed to parent. Life is strange at times isn't it?

I missed a call from my oldest girl today

I have been sick for a week with a bad chest cold that I have been treating with over the counter aggressive therapy of Dayquil/NyQuil and tylanol cold and sinus. I have also been taking Mucinex and drinking plenty of fluids and sleeping a lot. The call from my daughter I never heard at 11 am last night. She said Mom I have not heard from you in a week and I am calling to see how you are, you need to call me cuz I miss you. Naturally by the time I got this call it was 1 am and she was asleep so I called her phone and left a message. her situation has changed and now her grandmother lives with her while undergoing 6 months of chemo for Hopkins lymphoma. She gave up her room and has moved into the Florida room so her Grandmother can have her bed. I admire this young woman more than she knows.

She still has her job and is doing very well. She makes 100 bucks a week part time on the weekend. She still has her boyfriend and has had some problems with him. She almost broke up with him when she felt he had ignored her when they met up in public each with their own friends. She is convinced he is just shy and she has since reported that since she had a talk with him that he is now paying her a lot more attention and trying to not be so shy. This is a difficult time because I have to trust she has all the tools and confidence to take charge of her own relationships and make the right decisions. She has made some very important life decisions in the past and during those times I told her I had to trust that she knew what was best for her life and allowed her to make her own decisions backed by my full support. Like when she went to an inner city magnet school of law for a year then decided it was best for her to go back to public school and try to take extra classes to graduate early. She was worried that I would be disappointed in her but I could not be more proud that she at least tried it and went for it and done all the work herself to get into that school and was able to also decide it was not the right move for her.
She is doing well and is in the high school marching band. I am so proud of her and know that she is indeed going to take her life for a good long ride.

Case UPDATE, Judge rules DCF had no court order for case plan

The Judge decided that the state was wrong and did not have a court order for a case plan. I was aware of this and tried many times to no avail to tell the case workers on the case. The judge gave me back my unsupervised/unlimited visitation with my daughters and refused to accept the case plan by the state. This slows down the process of my getting my daughters back with me full time but at least I can see them without interference with the state.

I guess this is one time they found out they had no right to go in and change my visitation because as the judge stated the girls are old enough to speak up and say they don't want to see me. Naturally this is never going to be the case as they have no reason to not want to see me and never will. I don't have power struggles with my daughters and I treat them with respect and like young adults. I am very happy to be able to see my girls without risk of going to jail but not pleased that after all the stress and work I done towards that case plan they did not have a court order to even initiate it.

Little known fact

The first documented school tragety happened Bath, Michigan May 17, 1927 , I was surprised to learn this, more so after they claim that Va Tech was the worst school shooting in history. There may have been more killed by bullets but more were killed in Bath Michigan than in Va Tech, in may of 1929. A total of 38 children were killed, 7 teachers died and 61 others were severely injured. It was the worst school violence in our nation’s history, and still is today.

Judicial Review Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my juducial review and reunification is still the goal. My sister has told my daughter that I won't ever get my kids back so I am expecting her to make her move. I am surprised she is even attending this hearing but I am told the childrens presence was requested by the case worker. My goal is to get my visits unsupervised as I am in no way a threat to my children. If the state did not allow haters to use them as weapons against families, I would not be dealing with this today. I can't wait to see my girls but hope they handle this well and things go well.



On Monday I went for part one of the evaluation. I am still amazed. All the years when I thought I was crazy and would go see a shrink, they would tell me I was just fine and had figured a lot out on my own. I guess I get offended when under the scrutiny of others. When you put yourself out here, people will all form their own opinions about the circumstances. I do know that the state does not seem at all concerned with the abuse my kids are going through at the hands of my sister and brother in law. Each time I try to get them to see what's going on the case worker Adrien White tells me that they can't control what goes on in my sisters home. I find it odd that their job is to protect the children from abuse but they can turn a blind eye to what's going on under my sister's watch. Eventually people will be able to see what is really going on here but the most important is that my kids know and see the abuse for what it is and not let it affect their long term developement.

Mr Myers

My middle school principal. Mr Myers was my next role model. That man had his hands full with me. Seemed that when things went crazy at home I would act out in school. I was the kid in detention, the one not allowed to go to the Christmas parties because my grades were bad. I was not given ice cream and anytime conduct and grades had anything to do with school I was left out. It made me more angry, what did they know? I was getting raped at home, being beaten with tobacco sticks and cb radio antennas but they though that not giving me ice cream would hurt me. I was beyond bad, by the time I was 16 I hit a boy in the head with my purse, puncturing a hole in his head when my scissors went through the purse into his head, I got into a fight with Johnny Chadwell, over catching him kissing a girl in my kitchen and ended up hitting him with a wall ornamental sword causing him to be rushed to the hospital to get stitches. My uncle lied on me, and refused to retract it so I hit him with a chair, breaking his arm in 3 places. I broke one girls nose and, had managed to take my anger out on everyone but the man who deserved it. Mr Myers spent more hours sitting in his office showing me kindness at times when I would cuss him out and other times refuse to speak for hours while he sat there waiting for me to say a word. He was an inspiration to me, granted he never knew it in time. Later when I had dropped out of school I ran into him in the grocery store parking lot. I asked him if he would remember me the next time he had a child out of control. I asked him to dig deeper and told him what my step father had been doing all those years. I hope that he was able to go on to make a difference in the next Tammy he ran into.

To Principal Mr. Mathis 1978- to 1982

I know he is long gone as he retired during the time I was very young. He was my kinder garden principal and the first person to ever make me feel safe. It was the day I ran head on into another boy by accident and bit off the end of my tongue. I ran into the office and the nurse helped stop the bleeding and Mr Mathis came out and took me to his office to lay on his couch. He said to me that I was going to be okay now because I was on his couch. I think I stopped crying knew I was going to be okay. I have always remembered that feeling and seek it out in life. I do not remember feeling it again until I was 16 and became sick at a friends house. I fainted and when I came to barely made it to the bathroom to hug the toilet. My friend Stephanie was there and I heard her say, " Thank god Lisa cleaned the toilet today" Here I was upset and unable to help myself and she was glad I was hugging a clean toilet. She was on the phone with hospitals and nurses for the half hour I was out of it trying to find out what to do to help me. I now know that the feeling is one of genuine concern and it's the safest I had ever felt in my life at that time.

Brittany loses custody of her Children.

I have just heard about this and am disgusted with how these people portray this girl.



Rule of Law when it's given to her against the law. Ambivalent



Confront things you don't want to confront.



Judges orders are serious.



Judges orders are meant to be followed.



Out of Control



Brittany was ordered to turn kids over Wed but she delivered them 2 days earlier then goes out and gets a tan and goes to the hotel and parties with little emotion. They say she was smiling because everything is terrific.



No role model growing up so she can't show it to her kids. The former party boy kevin fedderline now has custody of the kids. Despite his past, he is looking like father of the year.



Act responsible.



Brittany needs an intervention?



It's very sad how every aspect of her life is up for public scrutiny. I notice the images they are judging her for are those that others are making bank on. Why are they not taking more images of the kids, who has them when she is out?



If people cared about her kids they would leave her alone. It's sick how people have made millions off her image and now will make it off destroying her family.

My Adoption

This was a frightening time for me. I had always known this man who was raising me to be my father and to be told that he was not and was going to adopt me was confusing at best. My feelings for this man at this point was pure fear. His threats had been made clear over the years so I was forced to sit in a court room under his ever so watchful glare through those big coke bottle glasses and tell the judge it was what I wanted. It was not what I wanted because what I wanted was this man out of my life. I am not sure of the date or year this took place but am going to find out. It's time to unseal those records.

Many years later my mother dressed me up and took me to Jacksonville to serve papers to an attorney for financial disclosure. He was the attorney for the Swishers at that time.

Update on case

I have completed the STEP parenting class and would highly recommend it. Their focus was right on and I discovered something I had not realised before. Beliefs control Thoughts, and Thoughts control Emotions. I guess for most of my life I have been that bad kid getting what she wanted through bad behavior. Once I became an adult it only worked to alienate people from or make me work 1000 times harder to get something accomplished. Like when I was going to Chipola Junior College, in Marianna Fl, I took a keyboarding class as a prerequisite to all computer classes. I took it during the summer. The instructor gave us a disk of typing games and told us to work on one game. During this I managed to get very good at the game and went looking through the disk for a more challenging game. I found one I thought looked cool and decided to give it a try unaware this would anger that instructor. The game started and it had something the first one did not. SOUND! I was scolded and told to practice on the game she recommended and looking back I think the sound was what annoyed her and why she wanted us on that specific game. I reverted back to the original game and that's the game we used for the entire class. Come day of finals we were given a disk with the test on it and told we got 2 chances to make the grade. She would take the higher score of the 2. Unaware that this instructor had it in for me I began taking the test. We were told not to take the second game till she verified the first so when I got finished I called her over to check. She said that it would be a D but I already knew according to the syllabus it should have been a B which I informed her of. She told be that she was grading me on the advance scale and that It was a D and for me to take the test again to see what I get next time. This infuriated and I was in shock and instantly so upset that I knew my frame of mind was so that I would be unable to do any better on the next one and began to argue her reasoning behind her trying to grade me on the advanced scale. Her response was, that she was the Instructor and could do as she pleased. Wow was my response and I was close to tears as my emotions often get the best of me. I began to gather my things and popped the test disk out of the computer feeling at this point it was best to have it in my possession because this was not over and I headed out the door, across campus to the presidents office. I walked in and asked him if the disk was considered my property since I did in fact pay 5 dollars for computer supplies when I signed up and he stated it was. I wanted to make sure I had not just committed a theft and began to explain the situation to him. Unaware that there was a chain of command he sent me to her supervisor and when I did not get any results I was sent to the Dean of student services Al James. I spent more time arguing my point with Mr. James he seems to be the only one I remember by name. ... NOTE( I am not finished with this story and will be adding more to it soon) Be Patient please

From the Bottom Up

A non profit org for single families. Being able to provide the bare necessities to people in need would enable them to use their money to better themselves. Shelter, Food, Medical. The idea is to create a voucher program for families to use in their local areas. When thinking this plan back up many years ago the idea of getting big companies to sponsor this idea by proving vouchers in many stores for their products. The vouchers would then be redeemed by the head of family as the items were needed in the home. Items like baby diapers, clothing and personal hygiene for both adults and children, and even toys at Christmas time. These vouchers would be used for these specific items and families needing medical items such as fever reducers, diaper creams and cough medicines could be purchased right in the stores. This would eliminate the liability involved with over the counter medicines and being obtained by the family outside of a retail establishment. My idea will eliminate items going bad in storage and people in need don't feel like second hand citizens eating stale cereal outdated products that many companies feed them today.
These programs in place are wonderful. I would rather see items going to charity then thrown away. But we need to do more.

Child abuse victim at local hospital, as reported by bay 9 news

Friday, September 28, 2007

PINELLAS PARK (Bay News 9) -- A boy involved in what Pinellas Park police are calling the worst case of child abuse they've seen is safe at a local hospital.His mother and the man they were living with are in jail.Edwin Cook called 911 after he noticed something wasn't right with the child in the lobby of the Freedom Village Housing complex."It wasn't just gross negligence. It was gross abuse," Cook said. "He was bleeding on his right temple, yet he was skinned on his left calf going down and there's no way you can fall and hit right temple and left calve.""I didn't call for publicity, I called for the help of the child," Cook said. "You know we have to save the children."The boy lived in Freedom Village with his mother Drenda Patrick, 43, who is accused of child neglect and Reginald Carr, 42, who is accused of child abuse.When police entered the apartment, they found the boy being kept like a prisoner in horrific conditions."When we found the child he was in a room and in the room was linoleum floor only and a plastic bucket only for him to go to the bathroom in," said Capt. Michael Haworth, Pinellas Park Police. "There was no furniture, no clothing."Police say the 12-year old had evidence of old injuries too."He had dried blood on his body, a cracked skull, his nose had been broken. His lips had been blooded," Haworth said. The boy wasn't attending school. Police say his mother took him out last school year. He told police he was only allowed to read the bible.Police say he and his mother moved to Pinellas Park less than a year ago from Alabama.Police said his mother met Carr on a religious website. Patrick and Carr appeared before a judge Friday afternoon.Carr, who is legally blind is the one police say committed the abuse with his fists, cords and rods.

Meet Bitty Bop

My Blessed Middle Child

"Oh My wittle bitty got wittle bumps on her wittle cheek". The words I heard come from her dying grandfather when I took her to see him when she was just six weeks old. He lived another week and I wanted her to have something from him so Bitty just stuck with her. I named her when I was 17 and met a girl named liz and always wanted a lizzy. I never got that but what I do have is one special young lady. When she was little and playing she would often come dragging the neighborhood children in the house to patch them up from a fall. I make sure I keep a first aid kit at all times and this natural compassion this child has began to flourish.

Her passion is horses and I have been forced to promise her that "yes hunny" I will get you a horse one day. In my quest of land to make this happen I have found my own little passion for mineature horses and now tease her about getting one but what I would really love is to have a horse farm of mineatures for her to love and care for. They would be much safer than big horses and small enough for her to manage.

My views on Religion

I do not consider myself to be religious but I am very spiritual. I learned a long time ago that worry was indeed a lack of faith. I try not to worry and let things happen and am not over dramatic about the small stuff. Growing up we felt pulled in many directions as religious recruiters were always wanting us to attend their church and had little respect for the fact we already attended a church.



I wanted to make sure that my daughters were at least exposed so in their early years I was baptised and although I was doing it to have a fresh start in life as it turned out, more people where thanking me for joining the church than for dedicating my life for God. I was very confused and questioned what had happened. I never went back to that church and wondered through life taking care of my family. I then got my girls in another church and for 2 years was there each time the doors were open. I was later dissapointed to learn that the pastor had no idea who I was because I spent so much time in the childrens ministry. I noticed that during the time I was tything on a regular basis the pastor was more friendly than when I was not tything but he had no clue who I was, or that I had one child in the nursery and 2 in youth services.



I feel my job is to expose my daughters to as much as I can religion included but I have not had a very good experience with religious people so I tend to life my life with a personal walk and understanding with the god I have come to know and love. I know he exist as I have experienced my own miracles in life. The birth of my daughters all Miracles and I often wonder what I done to deserve such special little girls in my world. I have always been admired by others at my ability to tend to their needs and make sure they have the things they need. The credit was never mine. I remember times when I had two children in diapers and no diapers left and without telling anyone having friends show up with diapers right when I needed them the most. I have come home from work to find boxes of toys and clothes on the porch. I have always felt there was someone, somewhere looking out for my family. During their younger years I worked as a waitress and would start about 3 months before Christmas stopping off at the late night Walmart and spending a 20 dollar bill from the tips I had received that day. Christmas was plentiful.



People would ask me, Tammy how do you do it? My answer always the same, feed them, keep them clean and they grow. The love was without question and I always made sure I took time in school and spent a lot of time with them as I had been a single mother for about two years then went back to work when they were one and two years old. It's very difficult to work and have to find someone to care for your children.

Small Victory for My Family

I am excited after getting my hands on this book of resources I was able to call around asking for more parenting class referrals and found that many others recommended the STEP parenting class and the end result was it was approved by my case worker and I will be taking it soon. So excited... Next I have to get her to approve the therapist I am going to see. Yes I must under go treatment for being abused as a child. Personally I don't think anything is wrong with me but anytime you endure any kind of tragedy, every ones first answer is to send you for therapy. I consider this blog therapy since in my opinion all you do is go talk through your problems. Today I have no problems upsetting me and in fact am feeling very good.

I have added some new resources to the bottom of this blog. If you are in need of things like furniture there are some links below of groups people use to post stuff they wish to give away. There are some really nice things sometimes so take a look. If you have something you wish to give away, join these groups and post those items for others in the community to make use of.

One more victory.. The case plan has been filed. I got notice in the mail today that an order has been filed to approve the case plan since my telling my worker that I would not hand over any financial records till I have a court order to do so. I am currently seeking a financial advisor and someone who can help me get my financial affairs in order. I am learning that although I have lived life, I have yet to do the paperwork of my life.

I have huge stacks of important papers tormenting me. I am in need of an accountant so if this is your thing and you have some time to help get these things in some kind of order I don't mind paying for services.

How foolish they are...

I will be posting the stories of my other 2 children over the next few days, but today I thought I would enlighten folks on just how dumb I feel the state is.

For the past 3 years my daughters have been in relative care with my sister. During this time I have had unlimited unsupervised visitation with them. I have had them almost every weekend and spent so much time during the summer. Been to school functions and have taken advantage of every opportunity given to me to spend with my daughters, shopping, taking them for make overs, taking them to lunch and trying to be their mother under the most difficult circumstances.

Right now visitation is restricted again to 2 hours a month due to the vicious allegations from Christina Deann Pino who decided after she could not get me fired from my job, or get me kicked out of my apartment and after harassing my co workers and my neighbors made another attack on my children. This only hurts my family and the State of Florida allows themselves to be used as weapons against Florida's children. HEY Christina thanks you dumb loser. I hope you die a painful death one day for this one. Anyhow I just had to say that because I would personally like to kill her myself but a life of prison would do my kids no good so all I can do is hope for the worst to happen to her.

For those of you who would hate me for saying this, walk a mile in my shoes and have the State take your kids and you will feel the same rage I do over how easy it is for someone to make accusations against your parenting, forcing you to have to prove yourself to people who get up and work a 9 to 5 for the purpose of paying their own bills and more often than not don't even have kids of their own. They don't have a real understanding of just how tough life is without strangers coming into your world to say that you are just not good enough to be a mother. It would indeed make you angry. If you get too angry they recommend you go to counseling. If you are not angry enough, then you clearly do not care for your kids and must prove that you do. Where is the middle ground? I am angry enough to wish her a horrible life but I am not angry enough to destroy my life by ending hers.

You have to play the game, learn what they want to hear you say and then say it. They want to hear you take responsibility for anther's actions against my family and accept that it's my fault this all has happened. This really makes me laugh because I often ask myself, when will the State take responsibility for all the children who have died by their hand, and all the families destroyed by their hand. When will they stop playing god with the lives of innocent people? They want me to take responsibility but when are they going to do the same thing?

I have decided to dedicate my life to helping others so my fight won't be in vain. What I learn I will indeed share on this blog. During my time with the state I have found so many people trying to connect with others going through the same thing they are but often find these groups get a few hundred people in them and then fizzle out. I want to make a group that people can join and hopefully will result in uniting people who will stand against the state to make change happen.

Due to this the state decided my kids only should see me 2 hours a month and their entire summer was blown to hell as it was spent doing nothing and being bored, not to mention my oldest daughter was not permitted to have a Sweet 16 birthday party and nobody cares. This makes me angry because she DESERVES to have a sweet 16 party. For now we just play the game and use 600+ minuets a month of mobile to mobile talking to them on the phone. It's rather funny when my daughter calls me up to ask me things like, "mom how do you make garlic toast"? and "mom what should I eat today"? It seems she is now a borderline diabetic and has no idea what she is allowed to have. Some days they call me up and are fighting and I have to make them put the phone on speaker phone and break up the fight and get them settled down. That also makes me laugh because here now my kids spend every single day alone, and without the caregiver due to her working and this is ok? Yet with me they were supervised 24 hours a day and never left alone to fend for themselves.

This week our phone chats have been good, no fights between the girls but my sister and I went at it head to head. I always felt she was a pretty good person but now seem to have uncovered something I was not aware of. She is a compulsive liar and I confronted her on this yesterday and she claims to be in therapy for it. She actually had nerve to ask me why I felt her and my mother were out to get me and claimed I was paranoid but in fact I am anything but. When I confronted her about her little stunt of telling her own child, my niece not to call me when she went into labor, she actually tried to claim that it was her child who said that and not her. Naturally this is just another lie and when I asked my niece about this she confirmed it was her mother who was so worried about my having a relationship with her expecting grand baby that she would be concerning herself with who her child calls when she goes into labor.

I heard about this before the baby was born and I told the person who told me, which was naturally one of my own children who overhead this, that I hoped my niece did not call her own mother for that. Little did I know at the time, the exact moment I said that my niece was in labor and sure enough thought so little of her own mother, the woman who has my kids that she did not call her till the baby was several hours old. Needless to say I was overjoyed and gloated but when my sister called me so upset over it I offered up some false sympathy while enjoying her pain. I guess that makes me a sadist but as far as I am concerned she totally deserved it. What really upset me about this was that my niece was not going to allow her own mother to give her a baby shower but because I interfered and managed to convince my niece to allow her mother to give her a shower, my sister was able to have the baby shower and the way she shows her appreciation for this is to try to convince my niece not to contact me when she went into labor. My niece had her baby back in June and I have no plans to ever see this baby because it's not worth the stress and drama that that child is going to have to live with. If you ask me the state needs to step in now and spend every single day in chat child's life while grown people fight over it and rip the poor boy apart. I love my niece but this is once child who does not stand a chance with so much hate in that family.

My sister is also very racist and I once had kids who respected all races, and now one is calling Mexicans "beaners" and blacks "niggers" which really pisses me off. If I say anything to my sister about this, her reaction is to punish my kids and take her frustrations out on them so I learn to keep my mouth shut as much as possible to keep my kids from being mentally abused by her vindictive ways. She has told my oldest daughter that she hated her and when my daughter asked her what she could do to change that, my sister tells my daughter " get your head out of your mothers ass". I guess I am the bad one here but I would never abandon my children and I would never choose a man over my own children. My sister has done just this.

Since these new allegations the State tried to actually recommended sexual predator classes and only after I told them that if they put me in a class room with sexual predators that someone would die that they changed their mind about this kind of class for me. What are they thinking trying to take a woman who was sexually abused her whole childhood and putting her in a class with abusers? The allegations were that I had my children in adult chat rooms talking to men in these rooms which was false as it can be. These allegations have no merit and have not been proven and I will take a lie detector test to prove I have never and would never do such things. I was sexually abused myself from the time I was 3 till I was 15 and then later turned in my abuser to the police. My case was the first sexual abuse case to hit the paper in the town I grew up in. I can only hope that resulted in more people coming out and taking a stand. I have spent the past 13 years of my life single to keep men as far away from my kids as I can. I feel like I gave up my own happiness out of fear that something would happen to my daughters so I would never allow anything like this to happen. My case worker later decides that I must take a parenting class that runs an hour and a half a week over a span of twenty weeks at the cost of twenty dollars per week taking $400 from my pocket. I think this is insulting and parents in need should never have to fork out this kind of money to anyone for classes.

When I was in court while sitting in the hall watching their little TV with all the information on it there were some ads that came up and being the resourceful person I am, I saved some numbers to use later and this day I decide to use these numbers in my search more parenting classes as my goal is to take as many as I can to make sure they can not say that I have not complied with this part of my case plan. Overkill is my goal.

After some time and several referrals that lead to other referrals, I find one that seems to be perfect. I am going to post the information here for anyone who wishes to use this info. The class is under $40 dollars and you must also pay an additional $15 dollars for the work book that comes with the class. It's done in 2 weeks 3.5 hours per day for 3 days each week. This clearly sounds like something I am interested in for a few reasons. One is it's not going to take me 5 months to complete. It will also not be costing me $400 dollars out of my pocket that's better spent on my kids. Best I can gather this is the STEP parenting class. Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP) you can get the handbook below by clicking the image and going to amazon to purchase it. Even if you do not take the class, you can indeed benefit from purchasing this book.

If you wish to find out more about this class, you may contact the following person for additional information.

Hillsbourogh Department of Children's Services
Joann Pressy @ 813-246-3807 Ext 128

If you have young children you may wish to check this book out by the same author.

I hope to post additional information as soon as I have it about other classes that comply with court ordered parenting classes.

Now at this stage my case worker is not happy about my taking the class of my choice and insist it must be approved by her. I however disagree since the one she has approved I have already taken back in 2003 and won't be taking that class again unless it benefits me. My case worker has asked that I send her information about the class so she can approve it and this is just not going to happen. As it stands their case plan has not been approved and they don't even have a hearing in place to get it approved but are planning to request a hearing for the case plan at the judicial review in October.

The way I see things is if they can't get the case plan approved then they don't have the right to tell me that I must report to them what and when I am doing things. Until they get this case plan approved I am under no obligation to notify them of my activities, therefore I have decided that because I want my children back, I will indeed do the case plan and wait till they can get it approved before I start handing them over any documents they request. Some would say I am wrong in this but if the case plan has not been approved by the courts, how can they start demanding my financial statements and work schedule and other very important documents that I don't feel they should have access to. When I have a court order to hand these documents over, only then will I comply.

In the meantime I am on a mission to make resources more available to those of us who are struggling to find them. I am a little tired of the state sending me on wild goose chases to get information we all know they have . I am tired of the stall tactics and won't be playing by the rules when it comes to getting the information that I need. I personally do not feel they should remove children without giving them very extensive information and resources they need, but their way is to dish these things out one by one making sure they let weeks pass in between referrals. I have decided to take as many parenting classes as I can between now and the hearing in October and set out to find them. I started back with square one and began calling the same people I got the original referral for only this time decided it best to lie about my intentions feeling they would be more willing to help me and it was very effective. I told them I was a member of several groups of women who have gone through some tough times in life and had a very hard time finding resources to help them with their problems. I was then refereed to one of the case workers who actually works on my case. I recognised her voice the second she answered the phone but since her and I had never spoke on the phone I softened my voice and began my story and asked her if she had a book of resources that would benefit the women I was here to help. She was very fast to ask me if I have an open case plan and since my case plan has not been activated by a judge I did not lie when I told her no I did not. Then she stated that if I did have an active case plan they would have to refer me to the resources and again I stated that I did not have a case plan so she let her guard down and told me that they have a resource guide they use to refer their clients from. I asked her if there was any way possible for me to get a copy of this guide and she gave me a number to call for a copy. Feeling a bit excited I call the number and make my request but as usual this was just an answering line and I was given yet another number to call. I call this number and after a 10 min discussion I am told that there are in fact 2 guides. One big as a phone book and the other smaller just for hillsbourogh county and she ask me which one I want. I then tell her I want both so tomorrow I am going to pick up this resource that seems to be available to so few people.

I am going to update you on this information and where you can get it for yourself as soon as I make sure I have my hands on it.

Wish me luck, I have a feeling if they find out who I am, or why I want this guide they won't hand it over to me so fingers crossed, for tomorrow I am going to town.

My daughter Jessica

AGE~ 16

Employment~ Currently employed making 12 dollars per hour

Dreams~ To one day become a crime scene investigator

Jessica has read every harry potter book several times and is almost done with the last book. I am sure, knowing my daughter as I do when she is done with the last book she will read them all in sequence starting with the first book and finishing with the last. If there is ever a game show of Harry Potter trivia there is no doubt Jessica would come out the winner.

Jessica worked as school patrol for several years, and has spent her time helping others. She volunteered with handicap children in her school and loves animals. She plays the trumpet and was given a Superior rating by judges who were impressed with her. She scored a perfect 6.0 on the Florida writes test and was one of the very few kids in her school to do this. She understands the importance of a good education as I began speaking of this very thing when she was just three years old. My oldest daughter has been my rock in a very difficult time and her support and love for me, her sisters and others often makes me wonder how I managed to get so lucky to be blessed with her in my life. This beautiful, creative, talented, caring, compassionate, loving, respectful, genuine, remarkable and unique young woman is so very special to me and so many others that I want to share her with you.

Jessica should you ever see this post, I want you to know how much I appreciate who you have become and I ask that you never let anyone change you as I have allowed people to change me. I am sorry for allowing this system to take 4 years of your life.
Remember what I keep telling you Jessica.

The best revenge is your success

Keep your nose in those books and that head on your shoulders use this experience to make change for others.

I knew when I was just 12 what your name would be, Jessica after my cousin who was called by her nick name Jessie. I loved that nickname and wished I had a nick name but what nick name goes with Tammy? I had no idea but I would sit back and wonder long before her birth who this little girl would be. Today I look at her and her spirit is so gentle, her concern and compassion for others far surpasses my hopes for her. Her thoughtful ways and her love for her me and others make me proud to say Jessica is my daughter. She is my child, she will go far in this life. She will not become bitter and she will shine just as bright tomorrow as she shines today. Today she lives with my sister and her husband. They are not the nicest people and in fact have done much to try to ruin my relationship with my daughters. Slandering me and telling her that they wished I was dead and out of her life. I was fooled into thinking that my sister actually cared for me. I have loved her my whole life and never in a million years had someone told me that my sister would be saying some of the things she is saying about me today would I ever have believed it. According to her I am the worst thing my daughters could ask for in a mother. I am this despicable manipulating vicious person who is not worthy to be their. My beautiful Jessica smart beyond her years trust in my love for her and holds her contempt for her aunt deep inside of her.

The real truth is that my sister's own child who is now 21 and just had a baby thinks so little of her mother that even though she lives less than ten miles from her mother, she did not call her own mother to tell her that she was going into labor with my sisters first grand child. None of this matters to the state, they do not see the emotional abuse that the children must endure each day. When my sisters husband had open heart surgery they came home and told my daughters it was their fault that he had to have surgery, nevermind the fact that the man is obese, diabetic and an x drug user and dealer who done time for his crime and is a felon who has never had children of his own. Nevermind that it was because of this man that my sister kicked her own daughter out and told her to go live with her grandmother not long after she had been raped at knife point at the innocent age of 13. Any woman who would abandon her own child for a man is not worthy to be called mother and yet this woman has my daughters and and I can do is tell my daughter to not disrespect or provoke her. I tell my daughter that if she would send her own flesh and blood away she will indeed send my child away.

At all cost don't disrespect your aunt is what I tell her, for the threats she gets very often of being separated from her sisters and sent back to the state is real and used to manipulate and control her. I am no fool and have made sure that she has a list of contact numbers of people I have asked to do whatever it takes to get her should she call. I will make it no secret that my concern is for my child and should anything happen and should my sister go through with her threats that my daughter will not spend a single day in foster care.

These are the writings of a mad woman, a mother in fear for the lives of her children and I assure anyone who reads this that there is a plan in place and I have so many people who love my family they will do what it takes to help me protect them.

Right now I must play the game, wait it out and dance all because they say so. I do it to maintain contact with my daughters, I do it to protect them, and I do it because I want my family returned to me so I can get the hell out of this god forsaken state because no way in hell will my grand children be raised here simply because this state has forsaken me on so many levels. Hear my story before you judge me. I am only mad in the eyes of others, I should be mad, I should be downright insane, I should be all the things they wish I was. I should have turned to alcohol and drugs years ago and often I feel I should be dead because I am a survivor of horrific child abuse and mollestation that could have been prevented. No I do not feel the world is out to get me, I am just angry that they judge me, yet do not know me. They condemn me without a trial. They throw me into a system with attorneys who advise me not to fight. They break your spirit, dictate what you must do to become a mother and I am fed up. This beautiful girl has the right to have access to her parents and in this case since her father has passed away I am all she has, who can love her more than her own mother? Who will care more than the woman who god trusted to care for her? If god has faith in me, then I must have faith in myself. I do not intend to mislead for I am not a religious woman but I do have a very close spiritual relationship with god. I however do not attend any church for I live on faith that trusting in him will give my family the happy ending that we so very much deserve.

This state was to be the home of generations to come but now my plans are to make sure that the State of Florida does not forsake my grandchildren has it has forsaken myself and my children.

I dedicate this blog to my late husband, the father of all my children

Samuel Doyle Toole

1959-2000